How to Deal with Defiant Behavior in Teenagers

Back when your kids were younger, you rarely had problems with their behavior. Being in total control, you decide their daily activities, the TV programs they watch, the video games that they can play, the time they need to sleep, etc.

However, all these things began to change when your kids turn into adults. Suddenly, they began challenging your authority, opposing every rule you make, and your instructions are one by one falling on deaf ears. You worry whether this trend will prove detrimental to their development. You worry whether this attitude problem will cause problems at school, let alone chafing your relationship with your teens.

So how do you help a teen struggling with defiant behavior? More importantly, how do you identify a behavior that is not normal?

If the behavior has come to the point that it interferes with your teen's capacity to be successful, then it is a negative behavior.

According to many experts, defiance among teens is normal. It is a side effect as teenagers enter the process of individualization - a necessary process that helps teens surpass childhood dependence to become independent adults. At this stage, teens normally experience new emotions they lack neither the experience, nor the understanding, nor the knowledge to control and keep rein of.

These emotions can interfere with their daily activities and responsibilities, and as always, it is the role as parents to provide help and intervene. 

Understanding Your Teen

It is vital for parents to understand that the teenage phase is characterized by dramatic changes, especially in behavior. For example, your teens start to get embarrassed by displays of affection coming from their parents, and they would avoid displays of affection towards their parents as well. They will begin favoring peer oriented activities over family activities. As their peers will mean everything to them and they generally will do everything just to fit in and be accepted, expect them to miss a couple of family activities because they have to spend time with their friends because this is perfectly normal.

At this stage, parenting styles should adapt. Parents should learn to compromise to a teen's quest for independence. Most of all, parents should still be there to provide good advice as teens struggle to create a sense of identity.

Analyze the Behavior and Make the Appropriate Response

When a teen acts out, there is usually a reason behind such behavior, so you must analyze the behavior and get into the root cause. For example, you have been called by the school regarding your son's bullying behavior. Upon closer examination, you found out that he has been associating with negative peer relationships, i.e. known thugs in your neighborhood. At this point, you now know how you can resolve the situation, which is trying to get your son away from negative peer influences.

Still among the best responses to a troubled teenager is by becoming a supportive and caring parent to them. Talk to your teen, open the lines of communication. Your teen will probably clam up or attempt to be rude but if you persist enough, eventually you can get them to talk. And hopefully, with your constant attention, you get him to help turn things around.

Build Significant and Sustained Relationships

One of the major causes for teenage troubles is the inability of parents to have a significant, positive and sustained relationship with their teens. Teens need positive, significant relationships with their parents whom they can build a sense of trust and reliance, whom they know they can approach if problems are too big. Do not be the kind of parent whom teens do not approach for help with their problems.

According to Richard Titus, a high school teacher who had 19 years of experience with kids, he said most teens would rather approach their teachers than their parents to talk about their problems in life. He said that these teens are often confused and they needed someone dependable to show them the way, to provide encouragement and support and to champion their cause.

To address this, parents should provide opportunities for this to happen. Communication is particularly important here, so take every opportunity to voice out your expectations, during mealtimes, when driving them to school, at queue lines, etc. Get them to talk, for example, you can initiate the conversation with "You look sad today. Want to talk about it?" Building strong relationships with your kids, creating a sense of togetherness, and giving support and encouragement - all these aspects go a long way towards promoting a healthy relationship with your teens.