What to Do If Your Teen is Defiant Disobedient Does Not Listen to Others
While family conflicts can be nerve-wracking, they can also be ways to personal growth for both parents and their children. When teens are defiant, disobedient, and refuse to listen, they’re probably going through a difficult, dramatic transition in life. It may not seem like it, but having a conflict with your teen is just an indication that you care about what he/she is going through.
During this period of transition, your teen is trying his best to define himself, establish his independence and carve out his own worldview. Some teens have a harder time transitioning than others, and for parents of defiant and disobedient teens, a struggle is almost always certain to happen over many things.
It’s important for parents to understand what makes a conflict a learning experience, and what makes it a divisive ordeal. The first thing to remember is to know beforehand how you want to respond. Yes, defiant teens will push all the right buttons to make you angry. Yes, they will drive you up the wall and stretch your patience to the limits, these things are to be expected.
Plan in advance how you want to respond to arguments. Decide that you will not respond emotionally, that you will not shut your teen down, and that you will allow him room to explore his real feelings about the issue. Decide beforehand that you will not dredge up past mistakes and failures because this will only provoke a defiant teen to respond alike.
Decide beforehand that you will focus on the current issue being discussed and not point out other undesirable behavior patterns. Decide that you will not make sweeping generalizations; avoid using words like “never” or “always” because this takes the focus out of the particular issue on hand. Decide that you will do your best to help your teen resolve one issue at a time.
“Why won’t my teen talk with me?”
For many parents with disobedient, defiant teens, the heart of the painful struggle starts with the realization that their teen won’t talk to them anymore unless it’s to have an argument with them. The truth is that most teens actually want to talk to their parents, but there are roadblocks that prevent them from doing so. Here are a few examples:
Stereotypes and Labels – In their effort to define themselves, teens are often victims of labeling, especially from their well-meaning parents. How many times have teens trying out the goth scene heard statements like “Take a look at yourself! You look like a junkie!” from their own parents. Good intentions aside, teens take their parents’ words to heart, even though they make quite an effort to show otherwise. This is why parents’ words must be used to guide, to express love and acceptance, and to impart encouragement. Labeling teens cause pain and confusion and sow the seeds of rebellion in their hearts.
They think you’re not listening – All parents were teenagers once. However, they forget how teens usually test their parents to see if they’re really willing to listen. They often share enough of what they want to say and wait for their parents’ reaction. More often than not, parents (again, with the best of intentions) give their advice, offer a fix, or deliver a lecture instead of waiting for the teen to finish what they want to say and to really get to the heart of the topic.
It takes a lot of self-control to hold in your opinion and really listen to what a teen is saying, but unless a teen feels like he is being heard, he finds a way to “raise his voice louder”, so to speak. When the time comes that a teen doesn’t want to talk anymore, he becomes disobedient, defiant, and gets into a lot of trouble just to get his point across somehow.
They don’t think it’s safe – Many parents miss the opportunity to offer a safe haven to their children because they know very little of what’s going on in their teens’ lives. Teens instinctively stop talking to parents because they want to steer clear of all the lectures that they will hear as soon as they say anything about what they’re facing these days.
Teens need parents to talk to about difficult topics like sex, drugs, abortion, and others. Yes, teens need to be given guidance in order to navigate their way safely through these issues, but they also need a safe place where they can unburden themselves and talk about the real challenges that they are facing each day without fear of being criticized or belittled.
When dealing with defiant teens who disobey you and won’t listen or talk to you, it’s important to ask yourself what the real issue is. Otherwise, it would be difficult to know how to help them.