Teen Has a Lack of Respect for Authority
Many teenagers get into a lot of trouble because of their lack of respect for authority figures at home and in school. There’s often a confusion about when teens are being truly disrespectful and when they are expressing frustration over what they perceive to be an unfair treatment or challenging situations.
Is your teen really disrespectful?
Oftentimes, when teens show disrespect or resistance to authority, it’s a struggle for some measure of power or control. It’s not always a bad thing. In fact, it’s a great opportunity to teach teens independent thinking and becoming an advocate for themselves. Where can parents draw the line between being disrespectful or expressing a normal amount of frustration and resistance towards authority figures?
Perhaps one good way to tell is to ask yourself whether the behavior your teen is showing can be construed as being hurtful, abusive, or condescending or whether it is an expression of general frustration. For example, stomping one’s feet, saying “it’s unfair”, rolling one’s eyes or saying “whatever” can be relatively harmless ways of expressing frustration.
Teens can always learn better ways of expressing themselves but these kinds of expression don’t really do them or anybody around them any harm. When teens become verbally abusive, disruptive, aggressive and oppositional, parents must know that there’s a difference in this kind of behavior and that it’s not a harmless expression of frustration anymore.
Most parents desire to have a happy and stress-free relationship with their teens. As the first authority figures that children interact with in their life, being the “cool parent” isn’t always easy. While many parents want their children to think they’re cool and be able to relate to them, parenting entails making difficult decisions many times for the benefit of children. Doing away with responsible parenting just for the sake of gaining teens’ approval comes at a high cost. Respect for authorities is first learned at home from the first (and probably the most influential) authority figures in people’s lives, which is their parents.
Most teens have an innate desire to become independent as they develop. Parents must allow room for this “breaking away” process while upholding their authority in their own house.
It’s reasonable for parents to expect teens to show compliance with them while they are living in their house. However, friction often happens because of teens’ desire for independence and parents’ desire to be respected.
Tips for parents with disrespectful teens
1. Model respect – It sometimes surprises parents to find out that their teens’ definition of “respect” is quite different from what respect actually is. It’s important for teens to know that respect doesn’t mean that they’ll always get what they want, or that they can say whatever they want to say. More than explaining it to them by words, being a model of respect is important, especially in how you deal with your teen.
It may be irritating and tiring to have to explain things to your teen, but unless they accept the “why” behind your reasons, there will always be a seed of doubt that grows into rebellious behavior. Some parents resort to bullying their children to silence, thinking that when teens don’t talk back, they’re showing respect. In reality, they’re just setting an example that encourages teens to talk over and bully people.
2. Keep calm – As mentioned earlier, often times teens’ disrespectful behavior shouldn’t be taken personally. When confronted by a disrespectful teen, take a deep breath and take control of your actions. This way, you can also show your teen that there’s a better way to handle conflicts than being disrespectful or verbally abusive to people.
3. Be realistic with your demands – When asking your teen to do something, make sure that it’s something your teen can actually give. Setting reasonable expectations mean that you also set up your teen for success rather than failure. If your teens insist on not doing what you requested, try giving them options. Giving your teens options is a way of giving them a little bit of control, which is something that’s often at the heart of parent-teen conflicts.
4. Make sure your teen understands the directions – When you are asking your teens to do something and they don’t do it or doesn’t do it correctly, give them the benefit of the doubt. Make sure that they understand what you want them to accomplish. The best way to do this is by asking them to repeat what you asked them to do. The purpose of this is to determine if your teen is being rebellious at heart or if there are other issues that need to be considered such as learning differences or ADD/ADHD.
In dealing with teens who need to learn respect, taking a closer look at your parenting style may also be beneficial. Many psychologists find that changing some patterns in the family results to changes in behavior, especially in troubled teens.
Being an “Available Parent”
In Dr. John Duffy’s book, “The Available Parent”, talks about the challenges of teens and tweens today and how parents can help their teens cope with these challenges. In the past decade or so, the world has changed so much that teens and tweens aren’t always developmentally ready to deal with it. Unlike other parenting books where parents are encouraged to accept the idea that teens are often difficult, emotionally unstable, moody monsters, Dr. Duffy suggests that parents start connecting with their children from a place of “calm, connectedness, and acceptance”.
An available parent listens with curiosity to their children. They talk “with” them instead of “at” them. Available parenting keeps the faith that children are not cruel, dismissive little monsters. Dr. Duffy believes that clear structures and boundaries are needed in children’s lives and that even though teens may rebel against these boundaries, they "will serve as anchors in [your kids'] lives, freeing up their time and energy to go about the business of adolescence, forming and experimenting with the establishment of a unique self-identity."
Finding the time and opportunities to connect with kids are important. For example, instead of criticizing the music they listen to, try listening to their music with them and ask them about why they like it and what it’s about. Furthermore, Dr. Duffy said in his book that teens usually have a time during the day when they are more open to talking. When teens are being more difficult than usual, available parents grab the opportunity to talk to their teens before the moment passes them by.
Parenting can be a great joy in one’s life. Helping teens through their rebelliousness and teaching them better ways to express their ideas and their feelings other than being rude and disrespectful is a facet of parenthood that can be both challenging and rewarding at the same time.