Restrictions

Restrictions are a necessary step in the "tough love" process. While most teens act like they know everything they don't. In reality "life" is a fairly new experience that they really have not learned much about. To help them learn they must have consequences for bad decisions they make. For instance, when a finger touches a hot stove the consequence is that it really hurts. 

The pain involved usually will keep that person from touching the hot stove a second time. When teens are breaking rules and starting down the path toward failure it is our job as parents to issue consequences/restrictions so that they will learn what is healthy and what is not. If hot things didn't burn us who would hesitate to touch them? Here are a few considerations for establishing and giving consequences:

1. Provide clear rules and directions - These directions need to be direct and short. For example, "please kept the food on the plate" makes clear to the child what is expected, whereas "be good" does not.

2. Clear consequences - e.g. "if you don't do it now you can't watch TV today."

3. Consistency - If parents do not enforce rules each time they are broken, this can encourage the child to keep challenging that particular rule until the parent consistently enforces the rule each time it is broken. If the child thinks there is even a slight chance they will get away with breaking a rule they will try their luck. Consistency is key to molding a child.

4. Calm handling of defiance - Long, angry arguments where emotions rise to a boiling point and harsh things are said are best avoided. It is more effective for parents to deliver the agreed consequence for misbehavior in a calm way, and then get on with the day's activities.

5. Psychology of Consequences - Consequences should always help to promote change. They should be used when rules are broken but never be given in anger, irritation, spite or any other negative way. When your teen knows that your intentions are to help it becomes a totally different game then if they think you are just out to make their life miserable.

Additional things to remember when considering restrictions:

• Relate the consequence to the offense.
• No corporal punishment
• A consequence should be psychologically correct for each individual child.
• Give logical reasons for the consequences.
• If you make a mistake admit it.
• Do not take action when you are angry.
• Try to find the underlying causes of behavior.
• Time consequences carefully.
• Be disciplined yourself.
• When in doubt, give the child the benefit.
• Be encouraging in public, give criticism in private when circumstances allow.
• Short and accomplishable.