5 Ways to Put an End to Teen Back Talk

It’s not uncommon for teens to have arguments and constant disputes with their parents. These things happen because of the fact that teens are beginning their developmental separation from their parents. In a sense, stretching their wings to learn how to fly on their own causes some anxiety to their parents, but it’s a vital part of growing up. Yes, it can be wearisome for parents to always be engaged in a battle of the wills and scream fests with their teens, but these growing pains cannot really be done away with.

Teens That Argue Do Better In Life

In a research published in the Child Development journal, Dr. Joseph P. Allen and a team of psychologists say that the quality of arguments between teens and parents make a big difference. According to Allen, “We tell parents to think of those arguments not as nuisance but as a critical training ground.” In essence, arguments are teaching opportunities for parents who want to show their teens the valuable life lesson of how to disagree.

It’s unhealthy for parents to stop their teens from reasoning with them just because it wears them out. Rather than shutting them up, parents can teach teens how to argue calmly and persuasively. According to Allen’s study, what teens learn from arguing with their parents at home is the same attitude they bring into their peer world when they are faced with the pressures of drugs, alcohol, and risky behavior.

In Allen’s study, teens who were taught how to argue effectively with their parents were also able to fend off peer pressure calmly and with confidence.

This doesn’t mean that parents will let their children win arguments, but that children will learn how to express their thoughts properly. Conversely, parents should also demonstrate how to argue effectively with the goal of trying to win over their teens rather than just using their parental authority to get teens to back down. The ability to persuade through calm reasoning is a skill best learned at home, and it’s also something teens will take with them in their social interactions outside the family.

How To Stop The Negative Back Chat

Backtalk stems out of a sense of helplessness that teens often feel when arguing with adults. It’s often a product of frustration because they cannot get what they want. It’s also different from verbal abuse. Teens who are verbally abusive show negative behavior that needs to be dealt with. This kind of negative back talk is more than just an expression of frustration; it’s hostile and hurtful.

Here are a few tips for parents who deal with disrespectful teens that talk back:

Don’t respond to it – When teens are engaging in abusive backtalk, they are trying to manipulate their parents into responding emotionally. When you get drawn in, the fight inevitably escalates. Whether the back talk is abusive or not, refusing to get drawn in a screamfest is usually very effective in stopping it.

Set the rules and consequences – When teens are calm, they are in a better state of mind to talk. Sit them down and remind them of the house rules, including rules about backtalk.

Listen to them – As you discuss the house rules, keep in mind that as your teen grows older and tries to gain more independence, some rules do need to be relaxed. Listen to your teen’s argument, on the condition that there will be no shouting or name calling. Remember that the point is not winning an argument but being able to talk about differences in a calm way.

Walk away – If the argument is becoming more emotional, learn when to walk away. Some arguments take longer to resolve than one conversation. Simply saying “I’m not going to fight with you. Please go back to your room, we’ll talk about this again when you’ve calmed down” will get the message across.\

Model the attitude you want to see – If you want your teen to argue effectively, model the behavior you want to see in them. Don’t raise your voice, don’t interrupt them when they’re talking, don’t act condescendingly towards them. Otherwise, they will mimic your attitude and even amplify it.

If you feel your teen is being overly oppositional, more than other teens his/her age, perhaps it would be best to consult a professional about this behavior. Some disorders such as ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) begin to manifest during adolescent years. Oftentimes, ODD also comes with other disorders such as ADD/ADHD, bipolar, and others. Proper diagnosis can lead to proper types of interventions while it’s still early.