5 Parenting Tips When Dealing With Defiant Teens
5 Parenting Tips When Dealing With Defiant Teens

5 Parenting Tips When Dealing With Defiant Teens

Why are teens being defiant?

There may be many possible reasons why teens choose to be defiant towards their parents. One would be because they are simply interpreting their defiance as a way of exercising their independence. Teens are at a stage in their life when their minds are geared towards enjoying this independence that they are just beginning to discover. Defiant teens want to test the limits of this independence and see how far they can go.

In a sense, it’s a crucial time for both parents and their children. For parents, this is the time to enforce the basic boundaries that teens should learn in life, and to discover which rules need to be relaxed in order to give teens the space they need to stretch their limbs, strengthen their muscles, and grow. Much of the conflicts that happen between parents and their teens stem from the unwillingness of parents to adjust to the changing needs of their teens, and the unwillingness of teens to acknowledge the authority of their parents.

What can parents do to address this issue?

For parents struggling with the defiance of teens, here are five tips that can help start you out on the road to getting some semblance of order in your household.

Talk – Most of the time, the conflict at home is not a steady stream of stressful incidents. There are breathing spaces in between conflicts where both parents and teens are more amenable to talking and listening. These moments of respite are the perfect opportunities for talking and negotiating. Instead of stepping on the soapbox and lecturing your teen, try to open a dialogue and encourage them to talk and express their thoughts about the household rules.

Be open to changing some of them when it really does make sense. Parents who are dealing with defiant teens must be prepared for the possibility that their teens will not immediately talk to them, and that it may take some effort before they can engage young people in a conversation. Just continue building positive family interactions and you’ll eventually be able to create an environment where teens feel it’s safe, to be honest about their thoughts and feelings.

Set clear boundaries – Teens who are defiant will always want to question the rules. However, you don’t always have to defend the rules whenever they are questioned. There’s a proper time for negotiations. As a parent, you don’t need to negotiate every time your teen feels the need to overstep the boundaries. It’s also important to make the boundaries clear so that the lines cannot be easily blurred by teens who like to make excuses.

Be consistent – Defiant teens will often use their friends as an excuse for misbehaving. If you find cigarettes in their things, they’ll say it’s their friends’. If they stay out too late, they’ll say their friends made them stay out late. It’s important for parents to send the message that you will enforce the household rules, regardless of how their friends act.

If you find drugs or other harmful substances on their person or among their teens, it’s considered their responsibility even if they claim it’s not theirs. If they are late for their curfew, there will be consequences even if their friends caused them to be late. When parents are consistent about the house rules, teens will eventually get tired of trying to find loopholes.

Dish out consequences – Contrary to popular belief, many parents find punishing their children to be a very unpleasant duty. They don’t enjoy it at all. However, being consistent with upholding household rules also mean being consistent with giving consequences. It’s important for the consequences to be proportional to the offense and for teens to understand why they are being punished this way.

Consider getting outside help – Unfortunately, there are extremely defiant teens who will not submit to their parents no matter what consequences are set before them. Maybe parents tried too late to set boundaries and they’re having a harder time than usual in keeping their teens in line. Maybe the teens are in more serious trouble than their parents are aware of.

It’s also possible that teens are suffering from behavioral issues that have remained undiagnosed until now. Whatever the reason is, there are times when parents must acknowledge that they (and their teens) need more help and outside intervention is already necessary. Seeking help from a family therapist is a good start.

There’s absolutely no parenting formula that can assure that teens will grow up right. However, strong parental involvement and acknowledging the issues on hand is a great way to start the recovery process for defiant teens.